The Week Ahead

Aries (March 21-April 19)

While trapped in the bathroom of a run-down Best Western in Vancouver, BC, last summer, I was presented with a very conflicting decision. There was no toilet paper and the only two possible substitutions at my fingertips were either my clean towel, which I intended to take with me to the beach, or the pages of the ever ominous hotel bible that had been left sitting by the bathroom sink. Obviously I chose the latter, and as the pages of Leviticus cleansed my nethers I received a small but shockingly sharp paper cut on my anus. You, dearest Aries, will have a similar affirmation that God sucks and lacks a sense of humor sometime this week.


Taurus (April 20-May 20)

This week is the perfect week for you to get away with various petty crimes - and not get caught! Saturn is getting pretty sick of all those stupid rings of flying rocks, and as she boils over you’ll begin to notice that people piss you off. I say that you take out your aggression this week on anyone and everyone who ticks you the wrong way. Feel free to punch, stab, kick, bite, piss, slap, and spit your way through Saturn’s hissy fit. You can get away with anything this week, so why the fuck not?


Gemini (May 21- June 20)

Last summer I found myself driving fifty miles every weekend from Portland, Oregon, to Castle Rock, Washington, to do yard work and mutilate previously healthy shrubs. On my way to and from this mid-Washington oasis, I would pass the Castle Rock Christian Church. This institution of holy worship had one of those tacky signboards that many churches and Wal-Mart’s tout. The message on this placard was quite specific, “A faith that costs nothing and demands nothing is worth nothing.” While Webster’s Revised Unabridged Dictionary gives roughly seven variations as to the true definition of faith, the general understanding appears to be that faith itself is an allegiance to truth, or merely truth itself. So my goal for you dear Gemini is to call Castle Rock Christian Church at 360.274.6771 and ask them for information on how to pay the demands of your search for truth. Does funding our schools to teach metaphysics that will ultimately help human understanding of the universe count? Does a belief in science to preserve our crumbling world meet these demands? I’m not a Gemini, so I beg of you to get back to me.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Your outlook for the week is going to cost you a few bucks. Send me an email and we can work out the appropriate price.


Leo (July 23-August 22)

Your obsession with scat play is going to grow dire this week and I’m not sure there is much I can say to stop you from performing this quite horrific and potentially unhealthy sexual activity. Coprohagia can have many unhealthy consequences, especially when practiced between two humans. Consent is not cleansing. So my suggestion is that you turn your attention to all the wonderful piles of animal feces available on the streets of New York. I did some Wikipedia research on the subject just for you, so I will quote Ralph A. Lewin, “"... consumption of fresh, warm camel feces has been recommended by Bedouins as a remedy for bacterial dysentery; its efficacy (probably attributable to the antibiotic subtilisin from Bacillus subtilis) was confirmed by German soldiers in Africa during World War II." Camel rides are available daily at the Bronx zoo beginning at 11 am. Protect yourself when biting brown.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

You are far too cynical to read something as daft as my blog, but you’re also a very horny zodiac so I will take note of the slim possibility that my entrancing sexual existence has lured you to my website. With that said, this week will be pretty good for you. Everyone else is going to be pretty pissed off, so you’ll actually be the happy one the next few days. This will be a good shift in direction for you. You’ll bask in the “you look good today” or “you have a really pretty smile” up-beat comments that only happy people seem to draw. Just don’t get too excited about this newfound attention. I’ve been talking with the stars and it seems like you have a very grim, hopeless life ahead of you.


Libra (September 23-October 22)

Crazy Beans, my current roommate, has the fattest cat I’ve ever seen in my entire life. She’s so fat that Crazy must manually wipe her ass after every shit because she can’t lick it clean like most crazy roommates… I mean cats. Crazy Beans recently put the cat on a strict diet to try and counter this serious weight problem. Fat Cat isn’t happy. Every time I enter the kitchen, there she is, sitting by the cabinet containing her food supply and pounding the door open with her head. Her wails and screams, muffled by her fatty cat cheeks, often continue throughout the evening until Crazy Beans is forced to feed the damn thing. But I’ve noticed something strange since this diet began; it’s not working folks! The cat is still as fat as ever, and I’ve grown suspicious of foul play on part of the cat. This was when I started to notice something quite odd about the grass in the backyard. Certain sections of the yard looked freshly mowed while others were growing rapidly. A couple days ago I peeked out the window and there she was, Fat Cat, munching away at the grass with frightening tenacity. After she’d cleared a good three-squared feet of lawn I christened her Cow Cat. Long story short, I’m getting sick of writing horoscopes.


Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You guys are really only good for eating candy and turkey, your two main hobbies during your lazy zodiac season. So listen up you glutton fatties! It’s time to quit this morbid hobby of stuffing your fat little faces with every little crumb you can find and get your sloppy selves to the gym for some quality time with our good old friend the treadmill. Mars is looking particularly red and tasty this week, so there will be lots of temptation to eat bright red things like apples or balloons. Fight the temptations god damn it! Google the Master Cleanser diet and clean up your sloppy act.


Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

Since the jarring revelation the Britney Spears was born on December, 2nd, It was come to my attention that your zodiac is in serious need of public relations work. Come to think of it, you’re left in the ranks of Keith Richards, Jane Fonda, Tyra Banks and Beau Bridges. Your image is tainted and as far as I’m concerned you’re just rock-bottom trash at this point. So my task for you this week is quite simple; pick a new zodiac. Do everything you can this week to denounce your star sign. Should this mean laser surgery to remove all those Sag-related tats or the theft of another non-Sagittarius identity, go for it! You need to remove yourself from this dying sign and celebrate your birth in a season that’s not so fucking cliché.


Capricorn (December 11-January 19)

I had a talk with Venus last night and we decided that you’re not taking shit seriously. So Venus agreed to do you a little favor and give you some ass smackin’ this week, and you fucking deserve it. Watch your back, bitch.


Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

This week you’re going to pay back your mom on that loan you took, finish packing up your shit so that you can hide it from Crazy Beans (your klepto soon-to-be former roommate with an unhealthy obsession with cats), finish your weekly blog post on time, drink wine you sick alcoholic, buy that bag from Marc Jacobs that you ABSOLUTLY MUST HAVE, fuck your manager, again, and above all continue to be the most absolutely fabulous person in the whole world.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)

If you haven’t seen it already, this week I highly advise you to watch James Cameron’s failed television series, Dark Angel. Set some twenty years in the future, the backdrop for this television show is the United States post-terrorist attack that removed personal freedoms and sent everyone into poverty. Max, played by the genius Jessica Alba, is a genetically engineered soldier made and trained to blend into the world as a regular human being. She is, of course, on the lamb. As Max reveals the corruption of the United States government and starts to build momentum in seeking civil rights and personal freedoms for her transgenic freak friends, the government uses its power over social forums to turn citizens against her and her crew, and of course the series gets cancelled (worth noting that there really are only so many times that one can stomach Alba’s line “I’m just a broken girl, tryin’ to make it in a broken world”). The irony is that the series premiered in 2000 on Fox and only lasted two seasons. Your goal for the next five seconds is to figure out why.